October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, which was declared by Ronald Reagan in 1988. It was then he said this:
“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes…”
My very first post for this website, In the Weeds, introduced my story with miscarriage and MTHFR. To put it mildly, I lost 2 babies after 3 successful pregnancies, both at 12 weeks gestation. My health and happiness were both shaken for the first time in my life and I just wanted to sweep it all away. It was a completely overwhelming time that, looking back, overtook my ability to process what was happening. Part of me wanted to stay so busy that I wouldn’t think about it, and another part of me wanted to crawl in bed and let someone else take over. Part of me didn’t want to speak to anyone either, while another part was sad that no one was calling.
Miscarriage affects you physically and emotionally, more than I’ve ever heard anyone talk about. Maybe thats because people are too heartbroken to talk about it, but opening up about the reality of it all might just help us heal. My intention here isn’t to be heavy and sad, but to bring awareness to what it is like to walk through the tragedy of losing a baby and to offer connection and hope for those going through it.
The concept of healing after losing something so precious is also hard to imagine. Emotionally, I didn’t want to move past it because it meant I was moving on without the baby that was supposed to be in my arms. Physically, I wanted the pain and bleeding to stop so that I wouldn’t have a constant reminder of what happened. Both times, I had issues with prolonged, excessive bleeding following the D&C and had to take medication to make my uterus contract to pass it all. I know D&Cs can be a controversial subject, especially in the natural world, but we felt it was the right decision at the time for my health and our situation.
I can remember pulling into the hospital in the early morning for my first D&C. It was the same building where 2 of my babies were born. My eyes filled with tears the moment I started signing my name on that paper. I could feel my husband’s heartbreak as I was crying uncontrollably in the waiting room, then again as I was wheeled back for my procedure, then again as I was coming out of anesthesia. That’s something I’ve never really talked about, but it is forever stuck in my head. A combination of medicine and hormones lead to a hysterical outburst of emotion, so much so that they had to call my husband back to try and calm me down. I was loudly crying and demanding to know where my baby was. It felt so wrong to walk into the hospital pregnant and to leave with nothing.
It sounds extremely emotional, right? It is. From the moment you find out you are pregnant, you connect with that baby. Through every decision or action in your day, like the food or drink that you suddenly can’t have or the nausea and exhaustion you experience, there is a bond. When you lose that and suddenly try to jump back into everything people expect you to be doing, it hurts. Being around people hurt because I never knew what someone might say or who’s pregnant belly or newborn baby I’d see. I even had someone tell me that they figured since I had 3 other children, that it wasn’t as big of a deal. (Are you shaking your head in disbelief with me?)
What to say to someone who has experienced a loss is also a touchy subject. I had extreme anxiety about my phone even ringing or seeing someone I knew because I just didn’t want to talk about it. I know that people meant well with their words and it was nice to know people were thinking of me, but I found that a hug or a sweet gesture was what I needed instead of everyone telling me how sorry they were. My personal experience was a bit different as well, because our public announcement video went viral in 24 hours, so we had people complementing us on our video and congratulating us months after our loss.
I didn’t know at the time that my genetic condition attributed to the extreme anxiety & depression, but I can see where anyone experiencing loss could go through those feelings. I literally could not sleep and I wasn’t emotionally stable enough to be the mom my kids knew. It was the beginning of something that I didn’t really care to fix the way I normally would and I don’t know why. If you know me or have seen my website, you know that I am all about natural healing, but I didn’t want what was best for myself.. I wanted a quick fix. I got medication that made me feel numb, but I quickly realized that wasn’t what I needed. I needed God and I needed true healing, the way I know best.
I gave myself a solid foundation of nutrients through supplementation to support my body naturally. I will always recommend dōTERRA’s Lifelong Vitality Supplements to everyone because I’ve seen them work wonders for physical and emotional well-being. I got back into my routine of self-care and essential oil usage. I de-stressed my life a bit and gave more time to focus on our family. I learned to not feel guilty about having time to myself to pray and reflect or to watch Netflix and eat cookies in bed. I’m thankful to God for these experiences we walked through, and see His grace in the happy and the sad. I trust in His plan & purpose for my life and family. I rest assured that I will see my sweet babies again one day, and that they are in the arms of our loved ones, even though they couldn’t be in ours.
I hope this little piece of our story can help you, whether you have walked through miscarriage personally or if you just don’t know what to say to someone who has. It does get easier. Healing and happiness are possible, you just have to be ready to find it. If you would like to connect and talk more, I would love for you to reach out via comment or contact.